My daughter is quick to say, “I’m sorry”, but she rarely means it. For her, it is a way of ending a conversation, brushing off feedback, or otherwise indicating ‘leave me alone’. She’s 14. I get it. But this tendency to try to move on without making change or amends does not end simply because we reach the age of maturity.

While in everyday interactions this quick manner has become commonplace, the juvenile action of offering a meaningless apology is also used when real harm has been done. The experience involves both our workplaces and our personal lives. Far from creating healing, this non-apology feels dismissive. As a result, it leads to resentment, distrust, and often dislike of the person emitting it.

If you have been on the receiving end of this type of apology, you know what I mean. It’s hurtful and unpleasant. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Most who engage in this behavior choose to short-cut the interaction out of their discomfort in taking ownership, or their aversion to sitting with someone else’s pain. Often, these individuals focus solely on their intent – not the impact of their actions. As a result, these same folks don’t understand why the injured party harps on the situation or becomes antagonistic with them. They become angry or frustrated too.

A meaningful apology is the key to healing. It allows the recipient to feel heard and understood, supports them in releasing any anger, sadness, or frustration, and it paves the way to a healthier relationship. It is always a product of head and heart, and sometimes, also hands.

HEAD

When we are hurt or feel wronged by someone with whom we have a lasting relationship, we need them to understand the reasons we feel hurt or injured more than we want the words, “I’m sorry”. In our desire to feel safe and to believe that their painful actions will not recur, we instinctively feel the need to be understood. The expression “I’m sorry” feels meaningless until it is given with the clarity of what one is apologizing for.

To get it right: Focus on the other person’s feelings and the impact they experienced, not your own actions or intentions. Begin with them.

Ask questions. Be open to learning how you hurt them, and what they would have wanted instead. Demonstrate genuine curiosity as you seek to learn why the other person is sad or hurt. Only with this clarity and understanding will your apology feel sincere and have the depth and meaning we need to move forward. Once you gain clarity and confirm your understanding, you will find the other person is more open and willing to hear your intentions or explanations. With their permission, share these. But recognize attending to the “head” is not sufficient for an apology to have depth or meaning.

HEART

Being understood is important for any apology. But so is the feeling that we matter. We want the other person to feel concerned that we were hurt or harmed and to show a desire to make it better. Without that demonstration of care, the words “I’m sorry” seem intended only to appease us, not to repair. And they fail to do so.

To get it right:  Show you care by speaking to their hurt and validating their feelings. Avoid the temptation to explain your part.

After listening to the injured party, focus your attention – and your apology – solely on the damage or pain they suffered. Find out what they might need (from you) to move on. Your goal is to repair the damage and to alleviate their concerns about the situation re-occurring.

HANDS

In our personal relationships touch is an important aspect of demonstrating care. As you apologize, try holding the other person’s hand and softly looking them in the eye. Your touch will communicate what words alone cannot. It says, “I’m with you. You matter to me.” It re-establishes the feeling of connection that was damaged when the harm took place, and it assures them that you are not afraid to see their pain and you accept your part in causing it. As you hold their gaze, and their hands, you may see them release the pain or negative energy they have been holding. Touch is invaluable in re-establishing a feeling of genuine connection.

A meaningful apology is the biggest key to healing. It allows the recipient to feel heard and understood – supporting them in releasing any anger, sadness, or frustration. It paves the way to a healthier relationship.

When both our head and our heart feel satisfied, an apology feels sincere and is easy to accept. We can move forward with renewed trust and a deeper more meaningful understanding of each other. With head and heart, our apologies are accepted, and our relationships can be repaired.

If you find that ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ is instead filled with tension, you’re not alone. Most of us experience a degree of angst and dread during the holidays. From the strain on time, to the expense of gift giving, even spending time with those we love can feel forced or unusually challenging.

Difficult situations often arise when negotiating time spent among loved ones, and tensions may mount over concerns of past conflicts re-igniting or of new ones emerging. Add in a little too much “merry-making” and issues of addiction and inappropriate behavior can sneak up on you, too.  While each is stressful on their own, these events are then co-mingled with what are supposed to be joyous and happy celebrations, often making survival the real goal of the holiday season.

Here are some suggestions for handling these difficult situations – and getting through this year’s holiday season of togetherness – unscathed.

Identify the Problem – Are you concerned about cutting short your time with an ailing relative? Do you worry about the impact of Uncle Stan’s drinking on your teenage kids? Is your sister always dragging you back into childhood conflicts? Whatever is causing you anticipatory stress, it needs to be revealed for healing to take place.

Have a Plan – Think through your situation and decide what is best for you over the holidays. If you have a spouse or child, consider their interests as well. Then talk about it with someone you trust to give you both feedback and support. While your ideal solution may be impractical or overly selfish, it helps to start out by knowing what you want and identifying what matters most to you. Once you do, making a compromise or stretching your comfort level will have a clear purpose and intent.

Expect it – While it may seem foolish to worry about something that may not happen, it’s on your mind anyhow. Expecting the problem means having a contingency plan. Perhaps it’s to leave the house if Uncle Stan starts drinking, or to plan to respond to your sister’s provocation by saying “I want to enjoy our time together, please let’s not argue.” Being prepared will help you to feel happier and more confident leading up to those difficult encounters.

Enlist an Ally – Your spouse, or another relative/loved one (who will be with you over the holidays), can prove to be a valuable asset as you navigate difficult waters. Explain to them the problem, or anticipated issue, and your plan for coping with it. Then ask for their assistance. Let them know if you’d like them to intervene, come to your defense, or simply provide moral support should the situation occur.

Share Your Decisions – Often conflict ensues when a person’s actions or behaviors are surprising and misunderstood. To prevent your self-preservation strategy from causing new issues, keep others informed of the decisions you make. Let your mother know why you’ll be spending a disproportionate amount of time with your in-laws this year. Tell the host/hostess that you plan to leave if Uncle Stan starts drinking or your sister becomes unrelenting in her conversations with you. By letting others know your boundaries, you help them to honor them.

We hope these ideas help, and that your holiday season will be a whole lot brighter as a result.  Wishing you good health, and Happy Holidays!